Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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