rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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