Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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