In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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