He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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