Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize