The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
