I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
