my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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