Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
