You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
