So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
