today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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