I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
