I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
