It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
