i wish my penis had a tongue
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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