"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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