Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
