dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
