Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
