Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
