Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
time to smoke my breakfast
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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