Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I would fuck him just for his dog
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
