The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I need to stop coming to work sober
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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