My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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