Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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