i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Holy sore nipples Batman
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
