Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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