You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
