I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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