before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
