girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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