there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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