she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
