Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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