One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
