Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
