is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
