could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
