Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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