Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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