I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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