she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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