I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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