I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
