Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
