My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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