you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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