My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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