I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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