I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
