You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants