i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you