Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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