i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
