Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
