I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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