the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
