i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
